According to the old adage, ‘Splitting up is hard to do’. Of course, this is still the case in 2023, and probably always will be. As well as being something that the vast majority of us will go through at least once in our lives, research has shown that couples, on average, have two serious relationships before finding the person they marry or settle down with permanently.
What is it that makes splitting up with a partner such a painful process?
It is a combination of cognitive triggers that manifest in an experience that feels both emotionally and even physically painful. Many people experience depressive symptoms in the aftermath of a split with a partner, because it is a situation that invites introspection and intense self-deprecation. Anger, upset, disappointment and loss are all commonly cited emotional responses.
Short-term relationships
It can be difficult for others to understand why someone can seem so devastated by the breakdown of a relatively new relationship, maybe one that has only existed for a few weeks. However, if you think about it, the message that it sends is one of rejection, which is a difficult pill to swallow. It’s not necessarily that you were head over heels in love with the person, but it can be interpreted as someone deciding that, having gotten to know you a bit better, you’re not good enough for them. Of course, this is not the case, and it can often just be them feeling a sense of incompatibility.
Long-term relationships
When most people think of a difficult break up, they think of people who have been together a long time, share a home, possessions, friends, pets, and maybe children. These splits often come at a high emotional cost as they completely alter people’s worlds. They may not feel that they can still see the same friends or stay close to their ex’s family in the same way they did. Many have referenced the loss of such a relationship as being ‘like grief’. Where there are the added complexities of children and shared assets, this can mean ongoing discussions about financial arrangements, custody and access rights, which can be quite emotionally exhausting.
What can you do to help yourself?
Take time out for yourself and focus on the things you enjoy, creating unforgettable adventures with friends. Try to make sure that you don’t leave too much time in your schedule to overthink and wallow in your loss. Seek out the company of friends and family who may be sympathetic and offer a shoulder to cry on and an ear to listen to. You may find that you are able to rekindle friendships with people who you have lost touch with over the years due to having other demands on your time. Steer away from alcohol and other substances that, although they may be tempting at the time to numb the pain, will end up having the opposite effect and leave you feeling even worse.
Professional help and support
If you are struggling, it’s imperative to seek out professional help and support, especially if you are married, have children or property with your ex-partner. Aside from friends and family, emotional support can be found online and in person from Mind and other expert agencies, so seek them out if you feel you need more support. Most important of all, it is important to remember that it will pass, and calmer, happier days lie ahead.
If your uncertainty surrounding the legalities of your separation are causing you concern, it may be worth enquiring about a consultation with a family lawyer to find out more about how you can best handle your situation in a legal sense too.
